Last week I took a trip to the mall with the kids to meet up with a friend and her son. It was a Mommy-n-Me kind of day where there was face painting, balloon animals, booths set up by different businesses and organizations in the community and most importantly, FREE carousel rides! As I was preparing to leave the house, packing up the diaper bag and getting the stroller into the car, I crossed my mind how I was going to manage helping Drew and Susanna get onto the carousel with Jillian. I couldn't leave her in her stroller while we rode, of course, and Lynn (my friend we went with) was going to be helping her own son. I brought along my baby sling that Sean had given me for my birthday (my big brother gets the most thoughtful, appropriate gifts, just for the record ;) because I figured it was my best bet. I wouldn't say I was nervous about the outing but I was definitely trying to mentally prepare myself for any mishap we might encounter.
Here is a quick overview of how it went that day.
- got in the car, all happy and excited. The kids were super thrilled about riding the carousel. I unloaded the double stroller, got us all strapped in with our gear, Drew walking next to me holding onto the mommy clip my friend had given me.
- went to the family bathroom so that we wouldn't have to leave the fun stuff to go potty or have an accident.
- got some lunch for Susanna because she was hungry and Lynn and Logan were eating when we arrived.
- carousel ride #1...I put Jilly in her sling and with one arm, helped Drew up, another sweet mom volunteered to help Susanna before I even had time to get overwhelmed. We rode, got off, got the girls back in the stroller and checked out the booths.
- the local hospital gave us board books about sleeping infants to prevent SIDS, gave Jillian a free gum drop pacifier (which I think we will just fully convert to because it is awesome) and a sleep sack!
- stood in a looong line for balloon animals.
- took pictures with cute photo booth props.
- carousel ride #2...I got Jillian in her sling, one-arm-helped the big kids onto their horses and went for our second spin.
- got some soap at Bath & Body Works.
- fed Jillian in the family room while Drew and Susanna watched Netflix.
- went back up so Drew and I could eat.
- loaded up and headed home.
It was a great day, a fun time with my 3 sweet kids and while not every outing goes smoothly, I was grateful that this one did. While in Bath & Body Works, 2 women who worked there greeted us when we came in and thanked us when we left and as we walked out, one of them made a comment like "you have your hands full" or something like that. The other commented on how cute the baby was and said she only wants two kids. I wouldn't say they were giving me pitied looks but I could tell they were expecting me to be exasperated and maybe complain. Instead, I looked at them and said "I am loving this, this is exactly what I want!" They both smiled and told me how glad they were to hear me say that, the other mentioning that she doesn't like kids so for me to have 3 was impressive. I thanked them and ushered Susanna along because she just can't help herself when it comes to lotion and soap, I swear, I think sometimes she actually eats small amounts if I'm not watching closely. My heart ached briefly for that woman because my children are the best part of Mike and I's life. Sure there are days when I dread going to the store with all 3 of them or days when I want to just lock myself in my room and read (I have this goal of reading 45 books by next January). But ultimately, I am in the phase of life I have always dreamed of. Motherhood is not something to be ashamed of, dread or apologize for. I feel like, especially lately, I am having to defend myself and this role that I am in, especially when other people gawk at the comment that Mike and I would like to have more. I feel like the world wants me to think that I am not reaching my potential by staying home and raising kids and "do you know how hard it is going to be to have 5 kids?" "do you realize how bored you will be staying home?" "kids are expensive!" "you went to college and have a degree, I just couldn't do all that and then decide to stay home". Yes, I do know how hard it is, at least with 3, BUT I also know how amazing it is. I have had to come to terms with many things since the birth of our latest little chickadee. I've had to kind of redefine who I am and what is important to me and my family. I've had to take myself out of the equation so many times and focus just on them. There are days when I feel like I am crazy without anyone else reminding me that, in fact, I am! Sometimes I just want to shake the whole world (even members of my own family) and be like "what the heck?! support me and be happy for me, don't tear me down!"
Anyway, what I am figuring out (because I'm only 4 1/2 years in and not the most seasoned/experienced mom) is that motherhood is hard but BEAUTIFUL. On occasion, days like this one will feel quite magical and as long as I (and all mothers out there) keep the perspective that what we are doing is so important, it won't matter what society tries to tell us or how others might make us feel. One day all these littles will be big and carousels won't be so cool...and while I look forward to growing with them, I think I'll still be a little sad that day.
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